NBA Mockery Draft
May 22nd, 2008 by shooterb
Perhaps it’s fitting that the order of the NBA draft is determined by several bouncing bingo balls. Just one more opportunity for conspiracy theorists to prove that the sport is rigged. The only thing missing was Charles Barkley being toted away by Vegas goons when his Draft Lottery wager didn’t pan out.
And once again, the gods of statistical probability take a vacation…allowing a long-shot to land in the top spot of the draft. It’s the same dumb luck that made Shaquille O’Neal a member of the Orlando Magic. At least Pat Riley can find comfort knowing that he’ll probably still get the player he wanted in point guard Derrick Rose.
Since the draft has largely become a joke, I decided to take it one step further with my own 2008 NBA Mockery Draft. Here are my mocking picks for the 1st round:
Chicago Bulls – With the first pick of the draft, the Bulls will select a six-pack of NBA ready head coaches. This way, all-knowing GM John Paxson can continue to fire at will and rotate coaches like they were Paris Hilton sex partners.
Miami Heat – An interesting selection here, as Pat Riley will opt for a brand new package of heavy duty puppet strings. This clever pick will allow him to continue coaching and mucking up the team’s play. The only difference is that he’ll now be able to do so from home with nothing but a Blackberry and a Complete Idiot’s Guide to Better Basketball. An added bonus for not having to get dolled up for the games, just think of the money he’ll save on hair gel.
Minnesota Timberwolves – Kevin McHale will get back to basics with this pick by selecting the slowest white guy available. Does Christian Laettner have a bastard child running around somewhere out there?
Seattle (Oklahoma) Supersonics * – A combo package of lawyers and rattlesnake-bite kits.
Memphis Grizzlies * – A year’s supply of rape counseling to overcome the trauma of the Pau Gasol deal.
New York Knicks – A top-tier janitor to clean up the mess left by Isiah Thomas.
LA Clippers – An identity that doesn’t involve losing.
Milwaukee Bucks – Paris Hilton, so they’ll finally have someone that can handle penetration.
Charlotte Bobcats – A carton of No-Flow Penis Plugs so new head coach Larry Brown won’t have to waste precious timeouts for piss breaks.
New Jersey Nets * – In an effort to keep their superstar’s inflated ego intact, they will draft Dick Cheney…the only person on the planet that shoots with less accuracy than Vince Carter.
Indiana Pacers – Does it even matter?
Sacramento Kings – Something, anything that Reggie Theus can work with.
Portland Trailblazers – Bounty hunter, Colt Seavers, to help Greg Oden hunt down his elusive potential.
Golden State Warriors – Crate of Monopoly board games, specifically to extract several Get Out of Jail Free Cards for Stephen Jackson.
Phoenix Suns – Doc Brown’s DeLorean, and they’ll also need to deal for a whole lot of plutonium.
Philadelphia 76ers – Exclusive rights to the name “Iggy Pop”, in case Andre Iguodala ever decides to hit a jump shot.
Toronto Raptors – If still available, they will draft a bucket…but probably won’t have the salary cap space to buy a bucket.
Washington Wizards – 1 reality check made out to DeShawn Stevenson.
Cleveland Cavs – 4 portable lounge chairs, so Lebron’s teammates can watch him in comfort.
Denver Butt Nuggets – Magic Johnson’s Fundamentals of Basketball DVD. Ironically, this instructional video stars Carmelo Anthony…who thinks “fundamental” is a charity program for sponsoring a mentally disabled person. Unfortunately, this selection will be unsuccessful unless they deal for an Ear Wax Removal system and some extra Q-tips.
Orlando Magic – An unlimited amount of virtual reality playing time, so the world no longer has to hear J.J. Redick tell us how good he is.
Utah Jazz – Lebron James’ mom, Gloria, so that Carlos won’t be the only Boozer on the team.
Houston Rockets – A bag full of fresh new excuses.
San Antonio Spurs – Miss Trailer Park Trash 2008, so they will finally have someone dirty that can eventually replace Robert Horry.
New Orleans Hornets – A used Britney Spears’ thong, so they’ll have something even dirtier to counter Mr. Horry.
Detroit Pistons – Supernanny, Jo Frost…so that Lord of the Cries Rasheed Wallace might finally shut the fuck up and reach his potential.
Boston Celtics – The Cowardly Lion Courage Medal, so Ray Allen can get back to shooting like he used to.
Mock This!
I’m no expert, but even I can see that many of this year’s mock drafts are a little out of kilter. That being said, there really is no way to predict an NBA success or flop. The main reason being that no matter how much talent a prospective baller has or doesn’t have, his work is just beginning. There is no way of knowing if a player will simply be content earning a few million dollars and disappearing into obscurity, or will continually strive to be among the best.
The first obvious observation is that the pool of college talent is incredibly thin. The new one-and-done draft requirement has created a large amount of unproven freshman in the draft, which may actually be worse than the days when they could be drafted straight out of high school. Though Michael Beasley and Derrick Rose have more than enough talent to become immediate superstars, other players like OJ Mayo, Jerryd Bayless, and Eric Gordon are significant gambles. The NBA doesn’t exactly have a shortage of hybrid guards that like to shoot in bunches, and this group may struggle to adapt at the next level.
I was somewhat surprised to see Chris Douglas-Roberts (Memphis) ranked much higher than Brandon Rush (Kansas) in most mocks. Roberts is a crafty scorer, but in my opinion…doesn’t possess the all-around skills that Rush has.
I haven’t seen a single mock that didn’t have Utah picking Roy Hibbert (Georgetown), or a comparable center. While that would certainly make sense, I wouldn’t be at all surprised or disappointed to see them go with Brandon Rush instead. He has the size and skill to play shooting guard or small forward, great defensive potential, and very solid passing ability. That would make him a great fit for Jerry Sloan’s system, and possibly even an eventual successor to Andrei Kirilenko…who was actively shopped by Utah last year.
The end result may be a lot of unknown international players taken in the first round. Expect a lot of resounding boos from rabid fans around draft time.
Until next time, mock you!
LMAO I love the Bucks one…Though I think Riley deserves a bit of respect, I’m a Heat fan and I seriously do hope he backs off, but he is one of the best and most decorated coaches ever. The time has come for him to hang it up surely. He should not have let Van Gundy go IMHO.
Nets one was good too!
There were others that made me laugh for sure, I just cant remember them off the top of my head.
Shooter, trust me on this one. CDR is the real deal. I watched the Tigers play a lot of basketball this year and the kid had everything the NBA wants in a small forward.
I won’t tell anyone you were one of Paris Hilton’s sex partners, oh wait, I just spilled the beans. Sorry.
Glad you enjoyed, Pete. And I probably am a little harsh on Pat Riley. I actually like him as a coach, but I think he’s made some questionable personnel decisions with the Heat.
MoonDog…trust you? Actually, it isn’t that I think CDR doesn’t have potential. It’s more than I think Rush is being underestimated. I would rate those 2 very close in terms of NBA potential, I was just surprised that nobody had Rush rated higher.
Offensively, CDR probably has the edge…but I think Rush will find a niche as a secondary scorer with a great inside-outside game. For some reason, I think Rush will also adjust better to the NBA 3-pt line. Both can rebound well enough, but I might give Rush the edge.
They both work hard defensively…and that should carry them a long way towards getting more minutes.
For the record, I only spend 1 night in Paris.
Another Shooter classic!
How do I declare myself for the draft. I’m easily the slowest white guy, and I’m willing to relocate to (wherever)Minnesota.
I’m not sure how you declare for the draft, I think you just say it out loud or something.
“I DECLARE THAT I AM AVAILABLE FOR THE NBA DRAFT.”
Good luck to you. Say hey to Kevin for me, and you might want to pack a parka and a toque.
I can just tell that guy selling weed on the corner, I’m sure he has a couple of NBA-ers on speed dial.
And what is Paris doin’ in that picture?
Is she digging for “loose” change?
shooter
And here I was under the impression that the bouncing balls were for the Bingo night that the NBA now wants to start . So that it can curtail the betting by its officials.
It’s fair to say that should Paxson mess this one up for the Bulls. Then all that’ll be left for the fans to do is to run his as*s out of town !
They’re longing for someone to take over the mantle of MJ and bring back the magic to Chicago. But if things don’t work then I for one would like to Denise Milani get drafted. If nothing else but to bring a smile to the faces of an NBA fan. Albeit that the NBA won’t be going co-ed anytime soon.
http://realsportsbloggers.com/tophac/2008/05/20/Something To Stir The Cream In Your Coffee…Denise Milani
tophatal ……..
Maybe Pippen should quit trying to play into his 50’s and try to get a front office job with the Bulls. Paxson blows.
I’m not exactly sure what Paris is doing in that picture. At first I thought she was just taking care of some sand crabs…but she might just be “playing the slot”.
Tophat, unless Paxson makes a bad trade…I don’t think even he can screw this one up. Can’t go wrong with Beasley or Rose.
Pete…I definitely think they need someone besides Paxson. He’s not as destructive as Isiah Thomas was…but they need some stability in that organization. A good start would be hiring a proven coach that has some control over the personnel decisions.
Love your mock draft, bro.
It is peculiar that Chicago and Miami ended up with the top two picks. Two crucial franchises in the soon to be resurgent East? I certainly didn’t see that order coming.
Of course, as a lifelong Bulls fan and a modern day Heat fan (Chicagoan Dwyane Wade), I aint complaining, but I must say, I was completely surprised.
With Boston back on the map, as well as the Lakers, getting Chicago and Miami back into the mix ought to put the NBA in pretty good stead for the foreseeable future.
Look, I feel you regarding Utah, but the fact is, until they get a prominent 7-footer in the post they aint going anywhere. What a terrible waste that would be for Deron’s Williams’ incredible talent.
Hey, I’ll take AK any day. If Utah is intent on shipping him out, any championship contending team would be foolish not to grab him. He just needs a coach who knows how to better use his versatility.
Glad you enjoyed, MeanD.
The Bulls should have taken a step forward this year, but instead…fell off the face of the earth. Hopefully their good fortune will bring some stability to the franchise.
As for Miami, guess we’ll see if they were really playing possum.
I agree, and disagree, with you about Utah needing a 7-footer. I like Okur is this offense, but they need a legitimate back-up center…in my mind, specifically for defense. I don’t think they necessarily need a big-time post scorer, although we’d certainly take it if we could find it.
Collins is basically worthless…and a rotation of Boozer, Millsap, and Okur in the backcourt could stand to use one more solid big man.
I would be more than fine with them drafting Hibbert or another center in the 1st round. Provided that player likes to work on the defensive end.
I don’t want AK to go away at all. His versatility would be almost impossible to replace, much like Shawn Marion in Phoenix. I just think that with his inflated salary, they may have to deal him at some point.
I also think his considerable drop in production has more to do with his own issues, rather than Sloan’s coaching. He has had every opportunity to step up as a scorer. He gets wide open outside looks, and occasional post up opportunities. But he’s been inconsistent with his jumper, and a tendency to make bad decisions while handling the ball. I’d love to see him step up and become the force we started to see a few years ago.
Appreciate the discussion though. Thanks for keeping me in check.
And I appreciate the return feeback …
Well said on all accounts, but consider these names:
Gasol, Bynum, Oden, Duncan, Chandler …
… all West Coast centers .. all on championship centending teams.
And we musn’t forget Camby.
Again, I like what Okur brings to the table, but his game is not taylor made for low post dominance. I was surprised at some of his high-rebound efforts this postseason, but I can’t help but feel that if and when Utah ever gets a legitimate low post presence, with a defensive bent as you say, they’ll finally land that elusive championship. If Hibbert is available they almost have to take him. No, he’s not the most athletic, and no, he’s reportedly not the hardest worker. But if he doesn’t work out, he can at least be used as trade bait to bring in someone else.
Great work Shooter. Hilarious.
All seriousness, I’ll be pissed if the Raptors don’t draft Roy Hibbert. I think the guy can play and the Raps need a true big man. All they have right now is Rasho. Hibbert better not go past Toronto all the way to Utah. Don’t the Jazz need a 2-guard anyway?
I had someone like Chandler or Camby in mind. Not offensive juggernauts, but can play incredible defense.
I think that’s why I suggested that they could take Rush, because I’m not sure Hibbert is the answer. It’s a need they must fill, but maybe not through the draft.
I guess maybe you want to replace Okur and upgrade…where as I want someone to split time with Okur.
I’ll have to do a little more research to see who might be available through trade. Utah isn’t likely to sign a free agent, as they need to save all the $$$ they can to give Deron his due.
I guess more importantly, I’d have to think about who I’d actually want Utah to trade. Right now I’d say nobody…
Dan, I think someone like Hibbert might be up there a bit higher than most mocks predict. The media loves the flashy guard, but franchises have a hard time passing up on a big man with some potential.
I think the Jazz are somewhat set at the 2-guard.
Ronnie Brewer + Kyle Korver = 1 complete shooting guard
Also, Morris Almond is a project that played in the developmental league most of the year…and he might be ready to go. CJ Miles even showed some signs when he got the minutes. I think they mainly need a center, or someone to eventually replace AK. Other than that, they really don’t have any pressing needs.
Yeah that’s true. I should not rag on Brewer because he does have upside.
Utah likes having 3 power forwards playing Center, Power Forward and Small Forward. Yep, I consider Okur a true PF.
I’m with you on Hibbert. I’d love to see him fall to Toronto’s spot but then again the freshman dork would love to tap the prom queen.
Loved the Grizzlies mention. That was great. I still think it’s stupid that they went for the Lakers’ offer because it was cheaper, since Chicago was offering Joakim Noah.
No, I think we’re on the same page. Okur is far too valuable to trade, but if someone is available through the draft that can improve Utah’s interior defense then they have to take him — even if he is a project like Hibbert will likely be.
Dan, Brewer has everything except the 3-pt shot. But it actually fits well with Utah…as he is more of a slasher that won’t shoot unless he has a high percentage look. Which most of the time, is a dunk.
Morisato…they basically gave away Gasol for next to nothing in my opinion. A bit of a head scratcher.
MeanD. Right you are, but I’m not sure that Hibbert will be that guy. There are a few free agent names like Diop floating around out there that might be a better fit.
I don’t know much about the other centers available in the draft. Maybe there is a potentially better option.
shooter b
May you and your immediate family have a wonderful Memorial Day.
As to the NBA Daft it’s Paxson’t win no matter what pick he makes.
tophatal ………………
Go mock yourself, Shooter. Meanwhile, I’ll applaud this piece. Classic ShooterB. Like Miracle before me, I would also like to declare myself eligible in the slow white guy category of the NBA draft. Ahem.
“Ya know, I would like to declare myself eligible to go to Meenasota. Ya, you betcha.”
(Before I get blasted by some for stereotyping, I’m from NoDak. I know I overdid it a bit there, but it’s all in fun. You hosers. That reminds me of a joke. Hard to believe, I know. Here goes.
Q: Why is doggie-style the preferred position in Canada?
A: So they can both watch the hockey game.)
Now where was I? Oh yeah. I was about to offer a little clarification on the Paris picture, as there seems to be some confusion. I believe she’s reaching for her cell phone, as Milwaukee is calling. (Need I say she had it on vibrate, and purposely missed the call four times?) I can envision her post-ocean interview with TMZ now . . . “Yea! I couldn’t hear very well due to the pounding – I love using that word – waves, but I think it was some guy who said I was about to get Bucked! Sorry folks, that’s all I have time for. Gotta run and get freshened up. And spray some Lysol on my phone.”
Regarding Utah, Rush would be a welcomed addition there, as he would to most teams. There are a couple scenarios that would work. First, draft Rush if he’s there, and move AK for a big man. Or possibly, maybe Sloan has seen the worth of AK, and they’ll draft Hibbert instead. As Mean said, Utah needs a legit big guy to advance any farther. Either of these best-case scenarios would work. However, if the Jazz are bent on moving AK, I’d suggest Phoenix as a destination. He could give the Suns some of what they lost with Marion’s departure. Phoenix will throw in Leandro Barbosa, Raja Bell and Shaq in return for Ronnie Brewer as well. And if you throw in Mark Eaton, we may have a deal. Well, provided the D’Lorean factor is still involved, of course. Damn, this medicine the doc gave is some potent stuff.
Have a great Memorial Day weekend.
Hey, it’s the Rickster!
First, I have to address the repeated claim that Utah needs a legitimate big man. Is that to say that both Boozer and Okur are illegitimate? And what exactly does being born in wedlock have to do with championship basketball?
Even if they were to draft Rush…he wouldn’t be able to immediately replace AK, if ever. I hope Sloan and Larry Miller realize Kirilenko’s value to this team, even though his scoring numbers are somewhat inconsistent (and we all know that scoring is the only element of good basketball, right?). I’m just thinking from their perspective, AK currently makes more than anybody on the Jazz team…and Boozer, Williams, and Okur could all use some hefty pay increases. Given their current spending levels, I’m not sure they will want to pay to keep all 4 (though I’d like them to try).
Bottom line, dealing AK would free up the most $$$. They should be OK next year, but after that it gets a bit hazy.
Or they could move all 4 for Jermaine O’Neal & Ron Artest, and then I could become a hockey fan.
Or maybe they could simply give Boozer an extra $1 million to actually show up in the playoffs.
Until then, here’s hoping they find a way to coax Mark Eaton out of retirement.
Hilarious, Shooter! This elicited literal LOL’s.
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