McCain Train Comes to Town
Aug 19th, 2008 by shooterb
John McCain is coming to town! John McCain is coming to town!
On Memorial Day, it was Barack Obama who paid a visit to our little one-horse town of Las Cruces. And just a couple of months later, we get to play host for the McCain campaign. Be still my beating balls.
For some strange reason, New Mexico has been declared a battleground state…with Dona Ana County deemed a crucial segment of the vote.
What’s even more astounding is that he’ll be taking questions in a town hall format. It will be interesting to see how he fields questions about “Operation Stonegarden”, which had a major impact on this area. For those not familiar with this, it was the brainchild of the Bush administration aimed at raiding communities in order to conduct mass deportations of illegal immigrants. I won’t bother you with my opinion of this operation, as any research about the issue will undoubtedly show you that it was about as effective as the federal government’s teen abstinence campaign (a few billboards and commercials ought to do it).
True, you can’t blame McCain for that one. Except that McCain doesn’t seem to have a clue about how to deal with immigration. For that matter, Obama probably doesn’t either.
But forget all that, what’s really scary is that there could still be so many undecided voters out there.
“How do I know if conservatism is right for me? Do I have to buy a gun?”
Heaven help us. Or Allah. Whatever.
The more important facet of McCain’s visit is that it could very well be my last chance to get on the ticket as a VP.
Here’s my pitch:
- First, I will mandate that all gyms across the nation shall replace their wall mirrors with funhouse mirrors. I know for a fact that the world would be a better place if people didn’t take themselves so seriously.
- I will allocate extensive funding for scientific expeditions aimed at finding the elusive chupacabra, catching the real Bigfoot, and draining Loch Ness. Maybe this won’t make the world a better place, but it’s something I just have to know.
- All professional sports will have a non-negotiable salary scale for athletes, coaches, and even management. All excess revenues will go towards education, science, and technology. And absolutely none of it will be used to pay for upscale hookers (except for holiday weekend barbecues).
- There will be a Rich-Bitch limit. Once a person accrues a specific amount of wealth ($10 million or so), they will have to share any dollar earned beyond that. And anyone that tries to tell me that $10 million isn’t enough to live on…will be kicked in the man marbles daily for the full length of my term (or titty-twisters for the gals).
- When elected, oh there will be a grand party at the White House. We’ll rock the shit out of Pennsylvania Avenue with flowing fountains of Zima and cascading mountains of queso.
- Hollywood will be banned from producing any sequels, remakes, or comic book flicks. Which probably means there will be only 2 movies released per year. At least they’ll be original, read a book and deal with it.
- The Wal-Mart corporation will be dismantled like an all-you-can-eat buffet at a Rosie O’Donnell sleepover.
- We will honor the era of music when all the great bands were named after continents, cities, or states. (In our hearts, Asia will never die!)
- ESPN will not be allowed on the airwaves until they start reporting actual sports again.
- Fat chicks will get an equal share on television, magazine covers, and internet sites. Cause don’t you know, big girls need lovin’ too.
I am Shooter-B, and I want to be your Vice President!
How much of a “Campaign Donation” do you think it will take for Johnny Mac to have a “Town Hall Meeting” in the Fat Cave?
I doubt the guy is opposed to being served Twinkies and Zima by a big girl wearing a thong.
Hell he ought to show up for the “Meeting” wearing a wife beater and black jeans smoking a Lucky Strike.
Campaign Slogan suggestions:
I’m John McCain and I want to eat your liver.
I’m Barack Obama and I’ve touched Opra’s ass.
I’m John McCain and I can get an erection on my own…
I’m Barack Obama would you like fries with that?
I’m John McCain, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.
I’m Barack Obama and I’m only half black.
I’m John McCain, and I’ll install the clapper in the Oval Office
I’m Barack Obama and I’m only half white.
I’m John McCain I recommend Cream of Wheat for bowel stability.
I’m Barack Obama and I endorse ShooterB for Vice President of the Stonecutters. Ok, how much did I get paid for saying that?
He was going to pay a visit to the Fat Cave, but when Crabcakes Christine opened the door wearing nothing but rubber boots and a fireman’s helmet…the secret service agents tackled McCain back into the limo and then drove away at lightning speed.
I’m ShooterB, who do I talk to about hiring a chubby intern?
I too endrose the finding of this elusive Chupacabra. Citizens in the rural communities of New Mexico have been plagued by this threat for far too long.
Why the fuck is New Mexico a key battleground state? Is it because Texas is a given Republican Stronghold and this is the closest they can get as far as a swing state goes?
I think there were some strippers working as high class prostitutes working over at TD’s in Albuquerque.
Shooter, there was a reason Asia died out my friend. It’s the same reason why we don’t here much Europe on the air.
Yeah you guys need to control the illegal immigrants because they are much worse than those idiot Canadians who wear toques in 75 degree weather. Hosers.
All seriousness, there are about 10 million illegals in the U.S.? Any one of them that breaks the law should be sent to homeland security immediately before breaking the law again on US Soil. Send them back home and that eliminates a few criminals (not all, criminals are homegrown as well). And they need to control the borders, which neither party can agree on that resolution. So while they run in circles on the issue there will continue to be a growing issue - and that doesn’t include the beaver hunters from the north.
Stupid chupacabra. As if sheep in New Mexico needed another reason to sleep with one eye open.
I have no idea why they are calling NM a battleground state. I just figured it was a little bit like the board game Risk, where the Ukraine is the key to world domination.
Or maybe they think it’s important to have one little blue state in the middle of all the red ones. Who the hell knows?
Thou shalt not insult the name of Joey Tempest.
I wonder why Anarctica never got a band.
Dan, the problem is…it doesn’t really do any good to send criminals back over the border (they leave a trail of tortilla crumbs so they know how to get back). Politicians like Bush try to give the illusion that building a bigger fence or hiring more Border Patrol agents is going to fix it. Then he goes out an issues sporadic showcase raids once in a while, but there is no consistent enforcement.
Maybe in our foreign endeavors, someone should have put a little focus on our neighbor to the south. Maybe if they strike oil in Mexico someone will care.
Illegals have built more of this country than you can imagine.
Oh yeah, they do have oil deposits in Mexico. But that would probably make too much sense.
More important question is, who will commish the free fantasy league Miracle posted up?
I think anyone that commits a crime should be sent back to the country of their ancestors.
I’m Irish, Scottish, German. Send my ass to Scotland to search for Nessy. Or just give me a big stick and I’ll “heard” some Sheep around.
Or we could send your ass to Germany, and let you take advantage of the great beer, easy access to cigarrettes, and $7 Euro a Quart Gas.
Hey Shooter,
Email me. I want to include you in a project I’ll be doing at Bus Leagues Baseball, if you’re interested.
Hear, hear!! If you get on the ticket, that may be enough to sway my vote. Okay, let me rephrase that. I may care enough to actually vote. Your conservatism line reminded me of a line from a movie, I think it was “Canadian Bacon” (or “Canadien” for those in Quebec). Where one guy is explaining to someone what Canada is like, and he says something like, “It’s just like America, but without the guns.”
Yup, you had me at your ban on sequels, remakes, and comic book movies. You got my vote. Don’t lose my email address. I would like an invite to the party. Do I need to bring anything, like cigars maybe?
Miracle’s going to find Nessie, Morisato wants to deport his ass to Germany to feast on beer thicker than motor oil, and Quail-feathers wants to send me back to the bus leagues. Did I wake up in an alternate dimension? That’s exactly what the NyQuil warning label said, but I didn’t believe it could really happen.
Anyway…Ricko, you would definitely be invited to the party. Although, I must regret to inform you that there won’t be a party. It seems that my quest to become John McCain’s VP has ended. That’s right, sad news…I know. But my dream is over…at least for now.
I think I know where it went wrong. He pulled up in his bus, ironically named the “Straight Talk Express”, and I rolled on the ground laughing for at least 2 hours.
I guess “The Shitstorm Shuttle” was in the shop.
Sigh. Sorry to hear that. Maybe I can cheer you up a little. Here goes.
Q. You know why women don’t make good politicians?
A. ‘Cause they have to spend way too much time putting makeup on two faces.
I’ll take that trip to Germany. If it’s anything like European Vacation or Hogan’s Heroes I’m in!
Branswager!