When George W. Bush vacates office, one of his final duties will be to exercise the power of the presidential pardon. This authority is granted by Article II of the United States Constitution, which gives the president -“Power to grant reprieves and pardons for offenses against the United States, except in cases of impeachment.”
While this authority has been routinely used since the days of George Washington, presidential pardons often fly under the radar of mainstream media. Though I doubt that will be the case here in the age of the 24-hour news cycle. Expect more than just the one lucky Thanksgiving turkey to make headlines this time around.
In our democratic government, this is a rare instance of absolute power. No Congress, no courts…just the president and his judgment. Can anyone say, “Yikes”?
I had some suggestions for the Presidential pardon, but then I looked through the application process…and I gotta tell you, it looks like a lot of work. So like any other lazy bastard blogging from his parents’ basement would do, I’ll just write a blog about it instead.
Here are my recommendations to receive a Presidential pardon (some serious, others not so much):
Michael Vick – On one hand, Vick should have known better. He was a high-profile celebrity athlete that pushed the envelope by involving himself in an illegal industry that most of our society finds utterly repulsive. Vick had the most lucrative contract in the history of the NFL, and yet he pissed it all away simply because he failed to sever his connections to dog-fighting. It’s like winning the lottery, and then asking to be paid in poker chips.
But on the other hand, Vick has been used as a pawn to set an example for an inhumane world of crime that has been overlooked for years. If he weren’t such a celebrity, it’s doubtful that he would be in prison right now.
Michael Vick may be a threat to himself, but I don’t believe he poses a serious threat to society. He did the crime, he’s done plenty of time…and if Vick hasn’t learned his lesson by now, he never will. I say let the guy go, and allow him a chance to put his life back together.
The Hamburglar – Life on the run is no way to live. All the dude wanted was a damn cheeseburger.
Senator Ted Stevens – Corruption in government should never be tolerated, but let’s look at this from all angles. Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer was involved in a prostitution ring while in office, and he doesn’t even have to face criminal charges. Senator Stevens took some crappy gifts. As if he’s the first politician to do so.
Take away his job, his power, and perhaps a good chunk of the old bastard’s money, too. Without those 3 things, would he still be a threat to society?
Well, apparently a ton of Alaskan voters don’t think so. It’s pathetic…but save the cell space for someone else.
Andy Dufresne – Sure, he escaped to a better life on the beaches of Mexico…but he has never been officially pardoned for the crime he didn’t commit. The least we could do is give him his dignity back. After all, he did have endure all that prison time fighting off The Sisters. Oh, Andy…it was the longest night of his life.
O.J. Simpson – Isn’t just being O.J. Simpson punishment enough?
Matthew McConaughey – No, he’s not in jail…but this is a matter of freedom. McConaughey only paid a $50 fine for his arrest in 1999, but it set the standard for all of us who dream of playing the bongo drums naked in our front yard. If we give up this right, pretty soon we may also have to give up the freedom of nude backgammon. And that’s not a world I want to live in.
Give Matthew his $50 back so he can buy some more weed.
Anyone who has ever been fined for not wearing a seat belt – I’m too cynical to believe that seat belt laws exist for our personal safety. True, they do save lives…but since when has the government been in the business of saving lives? I believe seat belt laws exist to protect insurance companies from excessive medical costs. If you choose not to wear a seat belt, you don’t endanger anyone but yourself. Think about it. You’re driving a car you paid for, shouldn’t it be your right to go flying through the windshield if you want?
Me – I haven’t been convicted of a federal crime, but you never know when you might need a freebie.
Now if you’ll pardon me…
One of those “Get out of Jail free” cards will do.
Didn’t Clinton pardon his brother? I think he did something minor like steal satellite tv or sports memorabilia or wasn’t he the one that cut the heads off……
No, wait, that was somebody else.
Nice that his brother was willing to do him a solid like that, mine would have told me to fuck off. And most definitely brought up that tonka truck incident.
Hey, don’t bash McConaughey. Who wouldn’t wanna be him? Especially during “A Time To Kill”, where Ashley Judd played his wife.
Damn, now I forgot what I was going to say in the ‘meat’ of my comment.
In closing, I would just like to say that I hope I get an ‘A’ on this project.
{shuffling away . . . } fuck.
Miracle, Clinton gave a pardon to his brother…but unfortunately it didn’t run into the future. He also pardoned a bunch of other people that probably didn’t deserve it. I think he also pardoned himself for the Lewinski stuff, saying that “big gals need lovin’, too.”
Ricko…no way would I bash McConaughey. The only thing he should do differently is upgrade the Winnebago he takes around the country. I doubt Ashley could be romanced in a standard RV. Wynonna…maybe.
I’m not sure Wynonna could fit through a regulation sized Winnebago door. You might be able to get her into there by pitching a pack of hot dogs through a freshly vaselined door jam.
Hell half the work is over at that point, time to party big greasy girl!
As I sit here blogging in my Superman PJs with footies, I’ve come to a fantastic blogging conclusion….F the PJ’s, blog naked! Look ma, I’m typing without my fingers or toes…wa hooooo!
Back to topic
Pardon Vick. Give OJ and Ted Stevens their own private room in prison (they can play “married couple”). Pardon Belichick’s hoodie, not Belichick. Pardon Al Davis for being the charter member of the “oops I crapped my pants” club. Pardon us all for reading more Newspapers, News Mags, political writing, et al than Ms. Palin. And Pardon me if you can smell what I was just cookin.
Miracle, I never thought of that…but you’re absolutely right. And even if the door was big enough, I doubt those flimsy pull-out steps would hold. They just need to upgrade the Winnebago by getting the Wilson Phillips Tour Bus modification kit. For a limited time only, it also includes a 5 gallon tub of butterscotch pudding and a 6 pack of EZ Cheese in a can.
Probably a backstage joke in there somewhere…
Smoketh…nude blogging in the winter is a no go. Especially if you’re sitting in a leather chair. Might as well be dry-humping an ice sculpture.
I recommend a pair of bear claw slippers, a speedo, and a Kevin Federline wife-beater.
You forgot Matt Millen. I do believe that his mugshot is on every police precinct bulletin board south of the lower penninsula and north of Toledo Ohio.
FP!
I didn’t know Millen was on the run. Did he kidnap Joey Harrington and make a run for Canada?
“Just stick with me Joey…we’ll make it work somewhere.”
My money’s on a tragic Thelma & Louise ending.
Thelma n Louise had a tragic ending? Mother fu….I’ve been waiting for a sequel.
And you’re right about the juice, isn’t being the juice punishment enough?
Poor guy can’t buy a set of steak knives without ending up on the news.
Word is that OJ cut his skiing trip to Aspen short after the pro shop refused to sell him some Isotoners. It ain’t easy being the Juice…
And I shouldn’t have called the Thelma & Louise ending “tragic”. I should have called it magically glorious.
If you promise to help, let’s put together a script for the sequel. So far I’ve got the car flying off the cliff and landing in a pile of sun-toasted marshmallows. At which point, the pray-mantis woman confesses her lesbianic love to Geena Davis, and they make ooey gooey marshmallow love in the heat of the desert sun.
Then again, maybe some thoughts are better left unspoken.
If Joey Blueskies is in Canada, the Toronto Argos could use him next year. Yes I follow the CFL. Pardon me for that.
You are pardoned. I think Joey Blueskies and the CFL are a match made in heaven.
I wish ESPN would follow the CFL again. Instead of horse shit non sporting events like spelling and extreme shaving.
Back in the day Rugby and Doug Flutie were all the rage on the worldwide leader.
There are more sports on the freakin’ Disney channel.
Miracle, you can criticize spelling all you want…but don’t knock extreme shaving until you’ve tried it. Ain’t nothing like shaving your sack on top of a mountain high…
But yeah, it would nice to see some actual sports once in a while on ESPN. CFL might be better that Ultimate Cribbage.